


The Domestic Adventures of Bilbo and Nori Baggins

by TheGlassFloor



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Husbands, M/M, One-Shot Series, Work In Progress, look at me trying to write humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2018-12-22 18:52:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11973531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGlassFloor/pseuds/TheGlassFloor
Summary: A series of short one-shots in which Bilbo and Nori are happily married and settled down in modern-day suburbia.  (I needed more Bilbo/Nori in my life.)





	1. Kitchen Curiosity

Bilbo and Nori returned home from Target, having bought all the groceries they would need for the week.  After carrying their shopping bags into the kitchen and setting them on the counter, Nori set to work putting everything away while Bilbo, stooping down, moved some pots and pans around in one of the lower cabinets to make room for the ice cream maker they’d just bought on clearance, when he noticed an unfamiliar item inside a plastic bag next to the collander.  Overcome by curiosity, he reached inside and pulled the object out to get a look at it.  It was some sort of yellow hat--a hard hat, like a construction worker would wear.  He certainly didn’t remember ever owning such an object before, and what on earth it was doing in the kitchen he didn’t know, but there was more.  It had a miniature dry erase board, about the size of a small picture frame attached to the front, and attached to the back was a short length of cord tied to the rubber part of a plunger, minus the wooden stick.  He turned it over several times, getting a good look at it from all angles before slowly rising to a standing position and holding the object forward.

“Uh, Nori?  Whatever you’re planning on doing with this, count me out, okay?”

Nori let out a small yelp, nearly dropping a box of raisin bran.  “Oh, crap!  That was supposed to be a surprise!”

“Oh, don’t worry, it was.”

“I bought it from a gag shop last week.  I was keeping it hidden because...well, because it was supposed to be a present for your birthday.”

“What is it?”

“It’s something for you to wear when you ride public transit.”

“And why, exactly, would I do that?” Bilbo asked patiently.

Nori stepped closer to where Bilbo stood, taking the object from his husband’s hands and placing it over his own head, covering nearly all of his red hair.  “You wear it like this, see?  And you use the little marker that comes with it to write a message right here.”  He pointed at the miniature board on the front of it.  “Something like, ‘I am taking a short nap.  Will you please wake me up when I get to such-and-such stop?’”

Bilbo was rendered momentarily speechless.  He couldn’t help imagining some teenager erasing what was written, were he to actually fall asleep in a public place while wearing such an absurd hat, and he wondered what they might write in its place.

“And this, back here,” Nori continued, reaching around to the back of the hat where the plunger was attached, “you’re supposed to press against the wall or window behind you so it holds like a suction cup, and that way it holds your head in place while you drift off.  You can even sleep standing up...at least, in theory.  It’s just...I know how tired you are right after you get off work, on the way home, and I also know how kind and generous you are, always the first to offer your seat to older people, or pregnant women, or anyone, really.  So I thought this would be the perfect solution for such instances.  Well...what do you think?”

The small smile that slowly crept onto Bilbo’s face while Nori spoke was at first from amusement, but then from true fondness.  No matter what else could be said about Nori and his thought process, his heart was in the right place, as always.

“I think...you’re adorable.”

“Is that just your polite way of saying you don’t like it and you aren’t going to use it?”

Bilbo shook his head.  “It doesn’t leave the house.  But I am keeping it, to remember the gesture.”  He leaned forward, and gave Nori a kiss on the very tip of his nose.  “And you’re still adorable.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by [this](https://files.tofugu.com/articles/japan/2016-03-14-chindogu-japanese-inventions/subway-sleeper.jpg).


	2. Superheroes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s what I get when I combine modern-day Tolkien characters with my fondness for Supergirl...

Bilbo stepped through the front door, straight into the living room of the home he shared with Nori.  He found his husband there, fast asleep in his reclining armchair in front of the TV.  He was dressed comfortably (as he usually was) in his blue jeans, tennis shoes, and red plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up past his elbows, unbuttoned over a white t-shirt.  His hands were folded over his stomach and his head was turned to the side so that Bilbo got the full view of his handsomely bearded face as he rested peacefully.  Bilbo couldn’t help but smile as he took in the sight for a quiet moment, but the next moment his smile faded into a look of concern.

“Nori?”

The sleeping man’s eyes opened.  He smiled drowsily, then raised his arms in a stretch and gave a good yawn.  “Mmm.  Hey, hon.”

“Where are the boys?  You’re supposed to be watching them.”

“I am.  We’re watching Supergirl.”

He directed his focus to the television...which was turned off.  Sam and Frodo were nowhere in sight.

“Oh,” Nori said, sitting up.  “Well...we  _ were _ watching it.”

Bilbo’s cousins, Drogo and Primula, had brought their little son, Frodo, over to spend the day with his Uncle Bilbo and Uncle Nori, bringing Frodo’s little playmate, Sam, over as well.  Bilbo had a few small errands to run, and had left the boys fully in Nori’s care for a little while.

“I guess the episode ended.”  Nori rubbed his eyes.

Bilbo shrugged.  “Oh, well.  I suppose it was nice of them to shut the TV off when they were done.  I just can’t believe they ran off without waking you up.”  Bilbo called out both of their names, but no answer came.

Nori stood up out of the armchair and gave another good stretch.  “I bet they’re up on the roof, playing their own superhero game.”

The look of horror on Bilbo’s face at such an idea got a chuckle out of Nori.

“Uh, Nori?  You do know that Supergirl  _ flies _ , don’t you?” Bilbo said, then immediately felt silly for saying such a thing; one would have to be a marine invertebrate clinging to the bottom of an ocean rock pool to not be aware that a character as iconic as Supergirl had the power to fly.

“Aww, I was just kidding,” Nori said with a grin, stepping closer to Bilbo and reaching around him to rub his back.  “They’re probably just playing in the backyard.  I’m sure they know better than--”

A piercing scream was heard coming from outside--it was Sam, without a doubt.  Bilbo’s head jerked in the direction it came from, and he just barely caught a glimpse through the kitchen window of the small boy falling from the eaves above.

“Oh my God!” Bilbo shrieked.

He ran outside in a flash, with Nori trailing right behind him.  He hadn’t seen Sam land, but he immediately feared the worst…

He didn’t expect to find a big inflatable mattress spread out on the ground, with the little one rolling around on it and giggling.  It was the air mattress that the two men had used the couple of times in their marriage that Nori had convinced Bilbo to go camping with him.  The boys had evidently found it folded up in the hallway closet, taken it outside, inflated it, and used it as a landing pad for their little superhero adventure.  Little Sam Gamgee rolled himself off the edge of the mattress and onto the grass.

Bilbo looked up and saw Frodo perched on the edge of the roof directly overhead, with a ladder leaned against the side of the house just a few feet away.  The clues fell into place.

Clutching his hands to his chest, trying to catch his breath after the scare Sam had given him, Bilbo yelled, “Frodo Baggins, you come down from there this instant!” 

Frodo seldom heard his Uncle Bilbo yell like that, or use his full name, and decided he had better cooperate.

“Young man,” Bilbo began, placing his hands on his hips and keeping his eyes locked on Frodo as the boy slowly descended the ladder, “I don’t appreciate you using our air mattress without permission, and for something that it is  _ not _ supposed to be used for...You could have punctured it, and then it would be ruined, but more importantly--”

“You could have gotten yourselves badly hurt,” Nori chimed in, looking at Frodo first, then at Sam.  “And then what would we tell your parents?”

“Exactly,” Bilbo supplied.

Frodo stepped off of the bottom rung and back onto solid ground.  He stuck his hands in his pockets and hung his head in shame.

“I’m sorry,” he said meekly, his bottom lip quivering just the slightest bit.

Bilbo let out a sigh, allowing himself to relax a little.  “Just promise me you’ll never climb up onto the roof again,” he said, speaking more softly than before.

“I promise,” Frodo said.

“Me too,” followed Sam.  “Sorry, Mr. Bilbo.  Sorry, Mr. Nori.”

Bilbo leaned forward, giving Frodo’s arm a gentle, affectionate squeeze.  “Look, I know you kids like to pretend you’re Supergirl or Superboy or whoever and imagine what it would be like to really fly, but--”

“No, Mr. Bilbo!” Sam exclaimed.  “I wasn’t being Supergirl.  I was being Banshee Boy!”

“B...Banshee Boy?” Bilbo stammered, squinting at Sam.

“Yeah, like Silver Banshee,” Frodo added helpfully.  “That’s why he was screaming, because he fell off the building and his super screaming power made him fall more slowly so he didn’t die when he hit the ground.”

Bilbo blinked a few times, then said, “Oh.”

“Yeah, Bilbo, he’s Banshee Boy,” Nori said playfully.  “Don’t you know anything?”

Bilbo glared at Nori, still wanting to have some words with him about how  _ he _ was the one who was supposed to be watching the boys...but then his husband’s impish expression of amusement won him over, and he responded with a mischievous grin of his own.

“Okay, smart guy, how about we have our own superhero game then, huh?  Which character should I be?  Hey, I know...”  He held up his hands with his fingers curved forward like claws.  “What’s the name of that one villain from that episode we watched?  The one with the electricity powers?”

“Livewire!” Frodo and Sam exclaimed in unison.

“Yeah, that’s it.  I’m Livewire.”

“But you don’t have white hair!” Frodo pointed out.

“Not yet,” Bilbo said, “but give it a while and I probably will.  Especially dealing with you rascals.”  Turning his attention back to Nori, he slowly approached his husband, wiggling his fingers.  “That’s right,” he playfully threatened.  “I’m going to zap you with my powers!  I’ll make you writhe with my bolts of electricity!  I know all your weak spots!”

Bilbo lunged at him.  Nori tried to dodge away, but Bilbo managed to move more quickly and caught him around the ribs, digging in his fingers mercilessly.

“No!  No!  Stop!” Nori exclaimed between peals of laughter.  “That’s not fair!”

Nori tried to wriggle away, but Bilbo had a good hold on him.  He grabbed Bilbo around the shoulders in turn and they fell sideways together onto the mattress, both of them having succumbed to fits of laughter by this point.  

The boys couldn’t help wanting to participate.  Frodo jumped onto the air mattress beside his uncles, joined an instant later by Sam, and it was every hero or villain for himself as the bizarro tickle fight continued. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Supergirl seems like the type of show I would have enjoyed watching as a kid, so I imagined what little Frodo and Sam would do after watching an episode.
> 
> More to come...


	3. Baseball

It was evening.  Bilbo was sitting comfortably on the sofa with Nori next to him, but also slightly behind him.  His left shoulder blade was pressed against Nori’s chest as he leaned back into him. The TV was tuned in to the baseball game, which Bilbo was watching while sending and receiving text messages back and forth with his father, who was sitting at home watching the game on his own TV.

Growing up, Bilbo was never really all that interested in sports, though his father had always been a huge baseball fan and fiercely loyal to the local Major League team that played in the big city less than an hour’s drive away.  He’d gone to more games with his dad than he could count, though admittedly he was always more interested in the buying of snacks from the stadium’s concessions and reading whatever book he’d brought along than actually watching the game.

Nowadays, as an adult, he’d finally learned to understand (if only faintly) the appeal of the sport that had kept his father glued to it all these decades, and the sharing of this pastime became something for the father and son to bond over as the aging man entered the golden years of his life.

Nori, on the other hand, had no interest in baseball whatsoever.  His sole reason for being there was just to be close to Bilbo. Besides, the game would be over soon enough (it was already in the 6th inning when Bilbo switched on the TV) and there was nothing else he felt like watching anyway.

The weight and warmth of Bilbo’s body resting against him was a thing of comfort to Nori.  He relished moments like these when he could simply relax and live in the moment with his husband.

Nori’s head began to bob.

“It’s kind of like a movie,” Bilbo mused.

Nori’s eyes blinked rapidly as he struggled to stay awake.  “Yeah. Like _Bad News Bears_. That one is pretty funny. Or _The Sandlot_.  You’re killing me, Smalls.”

“Yeah, but not just a baseball movie, I mean any kind of movie.  Or a work of literature, even. There’s buildup and payoff. There’s suspense.  Say, for example, it’s the last inning and the visiting team is ahead. The home team has three men on base, but they also have two outs.  The guy next at bat could hit one out of the park and bring all four of them home for the win, or he could strike out and everything they built up would be wasted.”

“Mmm.”

Bilbo reached for his phone to text this sudden observation to his father.  Nori put his head on Bilbo’s shoulder.

“Except it isn’t fiction,” he continued, “so it can go either way, and there’s no way to know until it happens.  The emotion that fans put into it is what makes it so satisfying for them when their favorite team wins. I guess it’s...Nori?”

He had begun to snore.

“Nori.”  Bilbo squeezed his thigh and gave it a little shake.

“Huh?” he said with snort.  “What?”

“Would you like to go lie down?”

“Oh...sorry, was I snoring?  No, it’s fine. I’m fine.”

Bilbo resumed watching the game, remaining quiet.  Scarcely a minute had passed before Nori’s snoring started up again.  With a smile and a shake of the head, Bilbo texted a final goodnight message to his father before turning off his phone, then the TV.  He stood.

“Come on,” he said, taking Nori by the hand.  “Let’s go to bed.”

“What about your game?” Nori said, rubbing his eyes and yawning.  “It’s not over yet, is it?”

“It’s okay.  I’ll find out later how it turned out.  Right now I’d rather lie down with you. I’m feeling a little tired, too.”

Nori wasn’t so sure Bilbo was being truthful about that.  He may have actually been tired, or he may have just said that to get Nori to lie down, with every intention of getting back up again and resuming his activities once Nori had fallen asleep.  Either way, it hardly mattered, and he could hardly argue with his husband as he ushered him into the bedroom, unbuttoning and removing his flannel shirt for him, then quickly stripping off his jeans and shoes, leaving Nori in just a t-shirt and underwear, before directing him to lie down on his side of their big bed.  Bilbo removed the same garments from his own person, switched off the lights, and climbed into bed beside him, draping his arm around Nori and pressing his chest against Nori’s back. He nuzzled the sensitive hairs on the back of Nori’s neck, making him smile lazily as he drifted off, once again appreciating a comforting moment of tranquility with his beloved husband, a sort of peaceful intimacy that nurtured him into a deep, restful sleep.


	4. Barechested

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what to say for myself...other than that I changed the rating to T after writing this.

The night before their anniversary, Bilbo mentioned to Nori offhandedly that he would need to find some time during the following day to do his laundry.  Nori thought that sounded like a bummer, for Bilbo to have to do something as mundane as laundry on their anniversary, but Bilbo said he had no choice; he’d kept putting it off and forgetting, and now Bilbo had no clean shirts to wear.  He couldn’t wait one more day.

Nori suggested that Bilbo simply not wear a shirt at all.

And Bilbo said that was absurd, but Nori, never one to be deterred, grinned and winked at his husband, and challenged him further to go the entire 24-hour period without a shirt.  He said to think of it as an anniversary present to him.

Bilbo said that the only way that was fair was if Nori shed his shirt as well, so that Bilbo could also spend the day feasting his eyes on the glorious sight of his husband’s bare torso.

And Nori said, “Obviously.”

So, glancing at the clock to see that it was just before midnight, the two men peeled off their shirts and climbed into bed together to get their anniversary started.

The next morning, while sitting in bed with their coffee, Bilbo sighed and said he supposed they would have to stay home all day.

Nori asked why that was.

And Bilbo said that they couldn’t go just anywhere in their current state.  Not unless they wanted to give up on their challenge before it had scarcely even begun.

And Nori told him not to worry, that there were plenty of places they could go to enjoy their day where clothing from the waist up was optional.  In fact, he had one in mind already…

...Which turned out to be the beach.   _ Naturally _ , Bilbo thought, that should have been obvious with how warm the weather was lately.  And with as much food as they had stored in their pantry, there was plenty to take along with them in their car, all packed up in a picnic basket.

They had their fill to eat--which was a lot, and still there were leftovers--and Bilbo insisted that they wait at least thirty minutes before going into the water.  Nori said that was fine, that it was nice to just lie in the sand together in their swim shorts and enjoy the feeling of the sun on their skin. Bilbo agreed, despite the fact that they were in the shade of a large beach umbrella, as if the SPF 50 sunblock he had slathered all over himself wasn’t enough protection (hey, one could never be too careful).

They went swimming and splashing in the waves together, then went for a nice, long walk along the shoreline as the sun began to set, first holding hands, then with their arms around each other’s waists, and anyone who saw them could see just how in love they were.

They packed up their picnic supplies in the car, and Nori drove to a nearby shopping center and parked outside of a clothing store.  He threw on a shirt that he had secretly brought along, leading Bilbo to wonder aloud why Nori was breaking the challenge before midnight.  Nori said he couldn’t go inside the store without it, and told Bilbo to wait for him, that he had a purchase to make and one more surprise in store…

...Which turned out to be a clean, new shirt for Bilbo to wear at the restaurant where Nori planned to take him for dinner.  Bilbo was grateful for the gift, but suggested simply returning home, since they still had plenty of food, and there was no need to wear shirts while dining in the privacy of their own bedroom.

Nori began to argue, but then stopped once he realized that Bilbo had said “bedroom” and not “dining room”.

Nori said, “Are you suggesting that we eat our dinner off of each other’s chests?”

Bilbo nodded yes, that was more or less the idea.

And Nori said, “Does that mean I’ll have to shave mine?”

And Bilbo said, “Absolutely not,” preferring that his husband’s chest remain hairy, just the way he liked it.

And Nori said, “But aren’t you worried that one of my chest hairs might get stuck on one of your taste buds?  I’ve heard of that happening before.”

Bilbo’s face turned a little green.

He snatched the shirt from Nori.  “All right, take me to a restaurant.”


End file.
